The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
