So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
