I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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