coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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