Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
