he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
