Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
