i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
