If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
