I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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