ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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