Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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