My liver just broke up with me...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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