I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
