A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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