I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
