The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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