someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My cat gives me a boner
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
