I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
