Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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