Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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