Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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