it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
