Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
