Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
