He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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