So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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