Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
