More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
