Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
