I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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