I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
