It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
