I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
