Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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