I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
