a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
