I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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