I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
