Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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