I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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