I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
