halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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