Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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