I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
