Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize