I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
