Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
