you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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