I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
