Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
