was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
