pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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